“What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just control my life?”- Lara Casey
Lara’s words struck me hard. I felt like I was going to fall out of the chair at my daughter’s gymnastics class. Was she talking to me? I say very similar words all of the time,“I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just want to be NORMAL.”
Is anyone really ever normal? What is normal? Merriam Webster defines normal as this:
a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
This makes me wonder, “do I really WANT to be normal”? Is that who God has called me to be?
A little backstory, we sold our house six months ago. We live with my parents. Four adults, two kids, six dogs in one house… let that soak in. Am I grateful? Yes. Is it stressful? Yes.
This season has been one of the hardest for me emotionally and physically, if you count the ever increasing weight that I can’t seem to get under control. Plus, my husband drives an hour to work for 10+ hour shift and another hour to get home. We got rid of a lot of financial burden, but not without sacrifice.
“I had to surrender my fear and open myself to the unknown—to new possibilities. I had to close one door to open another.” –Lara Casey
As we handed over the keys to a house that was no longer ours, I felt sad, scared, happy, relieved, and downright nervous. We closed a door (quite literally), but when and where would a new door open? I like to pretend like I am spontaneous and willing to take a risk. However, when the time comes down to it I must admit I don’t like change or risks or anything that has a high probability of getting me killed. I am not an adrenaline junky. I shy away from change, and though I want to welcome everything God has called me to I sometimes hold back because of fear.
Fear has played a big role in my vocabulary these days. I know we need to move out of my parent’s eventually. I welcome that day, but when it comes to deciding where we should live I just can’t figure out where that should be. Lara calls it “the waiting place.”
“But there is a difference between patiently waiting on God—being open to and changed by the nutrients He gives you in challenges—and waiting because of fear” –Lara Casey
Yup, that is me. I am in that place of fear, so I don’t move. I am so afraid of making a wrong decision, that I don’t make one at all. This is so funny to me, because just four short weeks ago we were reading “The Best Yes” by Lysa Terkeurst. I learned that not making a decision is actually making the decision to stay put.
I really don’t like feeling unhappy, and stuck in my situations. So why is it so hard to make decisions? I decided that something needed to be done. So I prayed for God to open a door for me to walk through. In the back of my mind, I imagined it would be a new house. But what He wanted me to walk through was so much more exciting.
Just recently a request from a ministry started popping up in my news feed. They were short three volunteers for an event that was coming up in April. Should I go? Is this for me? Is it my time to head back to the ranch to serve? Then the excuses began: I don’t want the hassle of getting a sitter, or someone to watch the dogs, what about my husband getting his work hours, and I have no desire to fly alone again. So… I let it pass by and decided that there was no need to pursue it.
This post came up two or three times and last week when I saw it I prayed again that God would lead me. I talked to my husband and with his support I took that leap to volunteer. Ever since hitting “register” and getting the official invitation to go my anxiety has been higher than ever. Why didn’t I feel good about this decision? Was it really the right one?
“But many times the right decision doesn’t feel good.” – Lara Casey
This decision has been very scary for me. I know God has called me to this event and I am anticipating and believing that whatever is there is going to be awesome. However, I am still scared of flying again. I don’t know if you have ever been to the Dallas Fort Worth airport, but that is NOT one of the airports I prefer to be in as a beginning flyer. I am NERVOUS!! But, whatever happens, no matter how often the enemy sneaks in his ugly face, I know that God has got my back.
“His plans are bigger than mine, so they tend to pull me out of my feel-good zone.” – Lara Casey
I never imagined that I could do this. I don’t know how to serve women on their journey when I am still attempting to walk that journey myself. But, God has called me to it. With His help I am making it happen because I decided I can. I CAN make it through that airport. I CAN be happy. I CAN be free. I CAN open myself up to be vulnerable and receive whatever God has for me. I CAN walk boldly and lead a life of purpose. I CAN patiently wait for God’s timing on a new house.
The answer to my question: Do I want to be normal?
No. I want to be living a life that God has called me to. His rules are the only ones I want. I do not want to conform. The bible clearly tells us to do the exact opposite of what Merriam Webster defines as normal.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12.2 NIV)
So, I encourage you to think about what is holding you back? Are you in that waiting place of fear? Maybe you feel like you need a new job, a new house, or new friendships. Whatever door needs to be closed, I pray for God to make it abundantly clear and to give you those two seconds of courage to MAKE IT HAPPEN.
How many times have you accepted defeat before even trying? What have you unknowingly decided that you cannot do? Write down your experience in your Study Journal or a notebook and date it.
A little music for the journey…
Over and over again, we hear the whispers of His Spirit calling us to let our light shine. Take a listen to this song and make that decision that’s been waiting for you, will you shine or continue to hide it under a bushel?
Supplies for the journey…
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Becky Honore is a twenty-something trying to find her purpose in life. She has a wonderful husband dedicated to providing for his family so that she can stay home with her 2 daughters. She is continuously trying to transform her life and improve her walk with The Lord. Her passion is to encourage women and someday hopes to work full time in women’s ministry. Maybe even someday write a book, God willing.