On my blog, I talk a lot about my struggles with perfectionism
. It’s a battle that has waged in me since I was very young. And because of that I am keenly aware of my weaknesses. However, it’s a different story when it comes to acknowledging my strengths.
I know that I am intelligent and possess talents. (I make a mean batch of brownies!) I know that I have worth and was created for a special purpose, but when I give in to looking at what my strengths are, I always come up short and feel as though I’m really not good enough.Years of bottling up feelings of inadequacy have lead me to hold back from pursuing so many things. The fear of failure only outweighed by my fear of rejection.
So when I read Annie’s words in this letter, I couldn’t help but yank out my highlighter. This quote hit me like a punch to the gut. The kind that if the air was cold enough, you’d see all of the air from my lungs puff out white.
“I can see the root of the problem. I didn’t love me. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t think I could do it. And even more deeply? I didn’t believe I could mess up and still be loved.”
Ouch! Approval seeking, perfectionist, am I, and I grew up believing that there was a limit to the amount of times I could mess up. And if I went beyond that? I’d be cast aside, like a dried up mound of clay.I’m a big fan of God. I have been for as long as I can remember. I pretty much grew up sitting in a pew listening to sermons, wearing lacy socks that itched something awful and braiding the ribbon bookmarks of the hymnals on the back of the pew in front of me.
At the age of sixteen, after years of playing hide and go seek with my heart, I finally handed it over to my Creator. And thought our relationship has definitely seen its fair share of highs and lows, I’ve never doubted Him enough to denounce my belief in Him.
So if I can hold onto trust and have faith in this God that I have never seen, why can’t I have faith in myself, one whom He has created?
“But I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not the happy-on-the-outside-insecure-for-days-on-the-inside girl. The lies are gone (for the most part), and instead I see the truth of how God made me and who he made me to be.”
It’s taken me many years to come to grips and understand that that kind of thinking is just wrong! But it has only been recently, within the last year, that I’ve come to know a sense of satisfaction in embracing my flaws and imperfections. It’s how God made me and knows me.
“To see yourself the way God sees you is the first step in being brave.”